Dramatis Personae:

Robin, horseman, chief of the Merry Persons
Sir Tightclothes, cyclist, one of the Merry Persons
Sir Earthtones, naturalist, one of the Merry Persons
Ranger, enforcer of trail regulations
Queen Wisecalm, ruler of lands within the domain of Lincoln Hall
Senior Princess, elder daughter of the queen.
Junior Princess, younger daughter of the queen.

SCENE 1

In the forest.

Ranger

Here, deep within the shadows somewhere on
The long-extended shoulder of Mount Misery
I, your Ranger, servant to the Queen at Lincoln Hall,
enter the dark forest, strenuously commissioned
to educate, in courtesy, the users of these trails we share.
Alas, today, my task has been extended
beyond their promise and my wish;
I am to arrest a miscreant most vile.
I am to find and bring to justice
one Robin Hood, chief of a band that
snatches most beloved dogs and mercilessly
holds them in this wilderness until
the desperate owners pay to get them back.
For Robin and his knights, Sir Earthtones and Sir Tightclothes,
who perpetrate these crimes
I go in search. (Exit.)

(Enter Sir Tightclothes and Sir Earthtones from opposite sides)

Earthtones

Accost! Accost! No vehicles allowed! This trail is for those on foot.

Tightclothes

Or hoof, you mean. Nay, Earthtones, your correction is misplaced. We are outlaws! Regulations we have waived. Why speak you like the Ranger?

Earthtones

Because, Sir Tightclothes, I’m soon to wed the princess, whose fortune is counted by the million. When she and hers are mine, I will bed at Lincoln Hall, and mayhap return here to beat the woods for scofflaws!

Tightclothes

What! You stack offense upon offense. We fight! (Wields handlebars as weapon) You shall unsay that you will wed the princess. She is mine!

Earthtones (raises walking pole as sword)

Nay! Nay! She’s mine! I know so by the many smiles she’s shown me.

(They fight, shouting. Enter Robin, astride a hobby horse)

Robin

Knights! Desist! Will you quarrel forever about trail regulations? It is a settled matter. Fight no more.

Tightclothes

I shall ride where e’er I please, and yet that is not our duel’s burr. ‘Twas love that raised our weapons.

Robin (dismounts and sits upon a stump)

Ah, love. Would I had fought, as you, to win my lady. Too gentle, too confident I would gain my suit at last — oh how I erred. I was mildly, sweetly cast aside, with such smooth diplomacy I hardly stirred as our fine queen allied herself, so many years ago. Oh me, she wed another.

Earthtones

I’d heard it said that you were teenage boyfriend of the queen, but I believed it not.

(Tightclothes laughs ruefully)

Robin

Improbable, perhaps, but true, and had I not hailed from beyond this kingdom, and had I joined the Ivy League, perhaps I would now reign.

Tighclothes

You are a native of distant Sudbury, are you not? Unlikely you should rule at Lincoln Hall.

Robin

Our sympathy, the agreement of true hearts, could not o’ercome my lower caste. So here I dwell and make my living from the over-valued curs whose owners will pay much to have them back. Now, knights, we must search for such. We need a dog, our Mastercard is due. Mount up!

(Exit, on horse, bicycle, and afoot.)

SCENE 2

At Lincoln Hall. The Queen is on her throne, her daughters at her side. The Ranger kneels before her.

Ranger

I have chased the gang, your majesty, whene’er I’ve seen them. But they race to Adams Woods, cross the border into Concord, knowing that I can’t arrest them there.

Queen

That is false knowledge, Ranger.

Ranger

But the bound, well-known, by a granite post is marked.

Queen

The bound is real and yet by the circumstance of history our rule extends beyond, through Adams Woods, and you may take them there.

Ranger

I fear I’ve missed my chance, for owners exercise their dogs no more in that corner of your lands. Therefore, the band of merry persons will hide within the rocky clefts at Misery, and frequent not the trails.

Senior Princess (aside)

Oh, no! My helmeted knight — whenever shall I see thee?

Junior Princess (aside)

I, too, will miss my handsome Sir.

Queen

They must be baited forth. I will disguise my daughter, hiding all her exquisiteness. In those weeds she’ll take our pooch onto the trails, so that you, Ranger, may regain the scent. (Looks at daughters.) Whose turn is it to walk the dog?

Senior Princess

Sister, I took him last. Here is the leash. (Hands her leash)

Queen (hands blue plastic bag to younger princess)

You’ll need this.

(Exit all but Junior Princess)

Junior Princess

Though I must hide my royal state
I do not resist this errand.
Perhaps I shall encounter
my well-binoculared cavalier
out there among the trees.
(Whistles) Here, Pete. You are now bait for bandits!

(Exits carrying leash and empty plastic bag.)

SCENE 3

In the forest. Enter Ranger, dog, and Junior Princess (in disguise)

Ranger

We approach Mount Misery. Your puppy might be kidnapped here. I will drop back out of sight.

Junior Princess

Do so, faithful Ranger. (aside) I wonder if my nature-loving knight will come?

(The dog squats. Junior Princess watches. She takes out the blue plastic bag and stoops to gather. Enter Robin, Sir Tightclothes, and Sir Earthtones, wearing N-95 masks. Sir Tightclothes advances to the dog)

Tightclothes

We claim our forest privilege. Give up!

Junior Princess (with unconvincing distress)

Oh, no! (Hands him the blue plastic bag, now well weighted)

Tightclothes

The dog! I mean the dog. (Takes the leash in the hand not carrying the bag)

Robin

Be not dismayed, young person. Your puppy will be treated well, if this knight’s (indicating Sir Earthtones) instructions be obeyed.

(Junior Princess curtsies, though gownless. Exit Robin, Sir Tightclothes, and dog)

Earthtones

(aside) Her thin disguise cannot hide the lady of my dreams!

Junior Princess

(aside) Around his mask, I recognize the optics and accoutrements of my favored knight!

Earthtones

Lady, be not distressed. Just come to Adams Woods. A gallant friend will be revealed, and you will have your dog — and another, who loves you just as well.

Junior Princess

I have no gallant friend, unless he knows the calls of birds, can name every feathery fern, and takes mushrooms home for lunch.

Earthtones

It may be even he, Princess. (Exits)

(Ranger follows surreptitiously)

Junior Princess

If so, then either he will quit this robber gang, or I shall join! (Exits.)

SCENE 4

In Adams Woods. Enter Senior Princess, on bicycle, in cycling clothes.

Senior Princess

If my GPS tells true, as it ever does, I have reached Adams Woods. The Merry Persons flee here, expecting to be safe. I think perhaps my knight is of the gang. I will stoop among the huckleberries and hope to see him. (She hides.)

(Enter Robin and Sir Tightclothes (still carrying bag) with the dog. Both are unmasked)

Robin

Sir Tightclothes, to continue our debate, I point to the approaching cashless era. Ransom, in paper money, is passé. We must take cards.

Tightclothes

Robin, I see your point. Compromise on PayPal?

(Enter Earthtones)

Earthtones

I believe I am pursued.

(Enter Ranger)

Ranger

In the name of Queen Wisecalm, I arrest you.

Robin

Ranger, you know that we are yards past Concord bounds.

Ranger

I have learned on high authority that my power reaches here.

Robin

Who told you so?

Ranger

The Queen herself. Concord long has considered all of Adams Woods to be her turf.

Robin

The Queen! Oh me. Sir Tightclothes, we are ta’en. The Queen speaks ever true.

(Sir Tightclothes hands the leash and the blue bag to the Ranger. Senior Princess emerges from her hiding place.)

Senior Princess

Ranger, I know this man of old. (Indicates Tightclothes) He serves me undercover.

Tightclothes

(aside) My princess to my rescue. They will never know she lied.

Earthtones

(aside) Aha! There is a princess for each of us!

Ranger

Take him, lady, if he is one of yours.

Senior Princess

So he is, if he will come with me.

Tightclothes

Gladly, lady.

(Senior Princess and Sir Tightclothes ride away on bikes)

Ranger

You two must march to Lincoln Hall, to face the judgement of the Queen.

Robin

To the Queen. Whatever she commands, I must obey.

Exeunt

SCENE 5

Lincoln Hall. Queen and Junior Princess.

Junior Princess

Must the Merry Persons be brought to justice?

Queen

Yes, daughter, they must. Not that I can deny my feelings.

Junior Princess

Your feelings? Oh, Mother, say more.

Queen

I supposed you’d heard, through gossips, that Robin took me to the prom.

Junior Princess

Was he very handsome then?

Queen

Handsome, yes, and gentle, though too far below my rank to make my husband.

Junior Princess

I think he never went to Harvard.

Queen

No, and yet, I have a soft spot for him still.

(Enter Senior Princess and Sir Tightclothes on bicycles)

Senior Princess

Mother, this knight has left the gang — he gave them up! And now we are engaged.

Queen

Perhaps this romance is not as sudden as it seems.

Senior Princess

Have you never loved an outlaw?

(Enter Ranger (carrying blue bag) with Robin and Earthtones)

Ranger

I have done as I was bidden, Majesty. Now I go back to education.

Junior Princess (rushing to Earthtones)

Mother, this knight has won my heart. Please set him free to be my love!

Queen

He was a mere underling. The boss must bear the burden of his crimes.

Robin

Lady, it’s been a while.

Queen

Robin, it has. I fear you put yourself on the wrong side of the Regulations.

Robin

It is even so. I could ne’er deny the truth to you, Wisecalm.

Queen

You have pled. Now attend your sentence.

Robin

I am prepared to hear it.

Queen

You must travel up the river to your native town.

Robin

To Sudbury am I banished?

Queen

Even so, to the distant hill called Nobscot, there to await further notice of my pleasure.

(Robin hangs his head. The two younger couples exit)

This concludes today’s court business. I thank you, Ranger, for your service.

(She takes Robin’s arm and they exit together)

Ranger

If you pledge not to resent our play
I’ll tell you what befell.
The kind Queen took care of Robin
She had always wished him well.
He went on Lincoln’s payroll
He worked remote, which made him free.
His function was a question mark…
They say something in I.T.
Though the knights were legal brothers
They did not see eye to eye
They each weighed in on Lincoln Talk
I know that causes you to sigh.
You must never think our drama
Is proposed to make a point.
Shakespeare would entertain you.
And neither side anoint.

Finis.